/ Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Went for appointment alone today. Got weighed and weight went up more than 2kg. Was super down at first. but when i went home and tell them the results, they were very happy, i felt better. at least i gained weight will make them happy. but at the same time, i'm scared. i really am. i dont how to tell my doctors that i'm scared. i dont want to get admitted again. just keep it to myself lor. after appointment, i was crying while walking to take MRT. when i needed someone badly, no one was beside me. sometimes i really hope someone will go appointment with me cuz if i gained too much weight, at least i can cry on his/her shoulder. Today i was crying alone. and it was raining. i went to the rain and got myself wet. i want to wake myself up. i couldnt stop thinking what will happen to me if my weight keep going up. i dont want to be a fat and ugly jocelyn. =(
While i was crying, 3 ppl msg me telling me their problems. i got to console them, encourage them, help them. my hand cannot stop replying their msg cuz got 3 person. i was wondering to myself, when others need help, they would come to me. when i need help, nobody was there for me. i have to keep everything to myself. i feel like telling them to stop smsing me cuz i got my own problems too and helllo, i'm crying while replying them. i dont know what to do. i was super upset. but no choice, after smsing them for abt 1hr, they felt better. so they thank me and finally my hand stop typing. and now my turn, i was walking around shopping mall at pasir ris crying. got the urged to do something stupid to myself, but i dont want to see my parents sad again. so i went home. when reached home, i've to act happy to tell them: YAY! MUMMY! DADDY! I GAINED WEIGHT! ^^ you all no need worry so much for me le.. ^^
well, that was the outer part of me. after telling them, i rushed back to my room lock the door and start pinching myself. i was so lost. i really someone could be by side now to give me a big warmth hug. =(
