/ Saturday, May 30, 2009
Ytd went out with hilda for awhile cuz i was feeling quite down so wanted to meet her.. thanks darling for playing the 'kiap kiap' machine with me knowing that i would cheer up abit with that thing. yea, but sadly, we caught nth =(
After that, went to have something to eat then after that we walked around.. abt 4plus i need to go find my parents le then hilda went home. reached thomson plaza, had dinner then headed to church with my family. the sermon did impact me for a moment, but after awhile, its gone. i couldnt feel anything. its like, everything to me is numb. i dont know how to feel sad, happy or disappointed. seriously, i lost my feeling. i dont know how to react when somebody told me something. after service, had buffet. yea, the buffet was quite nice.. especially the dessert.. but too bad, got coconut milk so i cannot eat too much =(
after that, took cab home. when i reached home, dont know why, my dad suddenly flare up and start scolding me. His words really hurts me. he even use vulgarities on me. i was so upset, but i dont know how to react so i just sit down there to let hime scold. my tears are rolling but i dont know what to do. in the end, after finished scolding me, i went to my bed. i was wondering, since my life is meaningless, why am i still living. i really want to die. nobody understands me. at first, i thought i got friends with me, but now i realised that when i needed help the most, no friends were with me except for hilda. though i didnt tell her everything, but she would just try her best to cheer me up and buy something that i like to cheer me up. now i realised, i used to have alot of friends, but now, i totally cannot find anybody which can listen to my unhappiness. that lonely feeling ousiders wont understand. i'm just like a boat in a big ocean.. dont know which direction to go and nobody was guiding me. i'll just have to let the wave blow me to wherever the flow goes. i'm lost. anytime, i may just jump off that boat and end everything. life is really tiring especially when you've problems, and no ones there to help you, guide you and understand you. now i've lost interest in everything. i dont feel like going anywhere, doing anything. just want to lie on my bed waiting for the time to pass. but the time seems to pass so slowly. i dont know what to do except lying on my bed crying. the old jocelyn had died just like what everybody had said.
