/ Thursday, May 21, 2009
Alright, i'm now at a place where i hate it the most! only a few knows where i am now. =(
yea, i hate this place. this place is simply scary! they feed me like a giant portion! not only that, i have to drink 3 supplements! shit can! stupid dietician! not fair, why others can take snacks and i must take supplements?!! wth! hello, i'm a girl alright? i dont eat THAT MUCH! my tummy cannot take it too ok?! crazy! feed me as if i two years never eat already. i think when i go back school, they'll see another jocelyn man! the super FAT jocelyn! =(
but i know i cant be holding on to this illness forever. i will drag alot of ppl down with me.. my parents, family and friends. i dont want them to be disappointed each time i go for appoinment. but hope you guys will understand the struggles i'm going through k? i didnt mention it out cuz i dont want to make you all feel sad and upset again. but seriously, I AM STRUGGLING! yes, and who knows? nobody. yet i'm being controlled. in school, in hospital and even at home! everywhere i go i am being controlled! i hate it. i know all of you meant well for me, but i'm old enough to take care of myself and do the things i like and want. how you all feel when you're being controlled 24hrs? i totally lost myself. i feel that i'm living for others and not for myself. i dont even know why am i still in this world. i'm tired. i really am. i really want freedom. i even lost the feeling of having freedom. now even in school teachers and classmates are controlling me. sometimes i just felt like going to a place where nobody can find me so that i can regain my freedom. i want to be like a bird, can fly to any places they want without worrying. now i'm stucked in a cage, cant go anywhere. sooner or later this bird will lost a sense of direction when finally one day the owner were to let out the bird.
when i needed help, on one was there. i had to struggle myself. now struggle until i have to be in this horrifying place. daddy and mummy puts all the blame on me, sisters dont even care, like i never exist, friends? all avoiding me. church friends stop contacting me, classmates dont seems to like me. i felt like a complete lost person.. this lonely and scared feelings who will understand? some may say they understand, but they dont unless they go throught what i've been tthrough. i know i'm not the only one with problems, but still, i need someone. haix.. enough of this. if i dont stop this, i can take a cup to fill my tears already.. =(
yes, one more thing, I HATE SUPPLEMENTS! JOCELYN HANG HATES SUPPLEMENTS! =(
